Stuffs that (you think) is Cool to do in Facebook Which is NOT!

Inspiration and references from:

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/facebook_suck << this guy's awesome.

I'll call the person doing these stuffs "Facebook Retard".

Spilling Tantrum Without Name on Your Status

I'm certain that every single of you ever met this kinda people on facebook, they're the kinda guys who always being backstabbing bitch broadcast what happened to them that involved someone and they would expose every goddamn little things that someone do to him/her, well without telling you who the person is.

• Ex: "Fuck that girl, I've done so much for you, yet you're being such a [mock]!! You know what?! I don't need you, I really don't! So get the hell outta here you [exaggerating adjective] [two or three childish mocks]!! You backstabber [mock]!!"

and what's more annoying?

His/her friends start being busy body concerning about the status and comment such as:

• "Aww, you poor guy/girl, be patient, you still have me" (well you don't know if you'll be the next victim)

or

• "Who is that girl?! she must be a fucking ugly whore with a face of wraith!"

then the Facebook Retard replies:

• "Thanks, I'm so glad having you here. Well, you know who I mean..." which is they don't.

or

• "Yeah, she is, she's dumb ugly whore that even a hideous old pervert won't try to grope her even she's dancing naked selling nickels, well, i won't say the name, she's a total slut."
  

then it'll be a never ending cycle of asking who's the bitch and answering without giving any hint of who the bitch is.

I only see these happening like EVERYDAY! I always think what these people are up into? Spilling the beans without actually spill the beans?! I was like "Oh, not again, you said backstabber? what do you call yourself then? Backstabber's backstabber?!" Okay it's getting complicated.

If you want to make the person feel bad or sorry or hate you even more, why don't you just say the name?!
Ex:

• (in a dramatic way) "Jake, you're such a pity, look at your shitty face and twilight-heartthrob-wannabe-hair, you're not good, not even close. I'll tell you what you can do, NOTHING! So just go and get a life!"

• (in to-the-point way) "YOU'RE A FUCKING SHITHOLE JAKE, FUCK YOU AND FUCK WHOLE OF YOUR FAMILY!"

no offense for Jake(s) out there *cheers*

Too Up-To-Date Status Updater

This Facebook Retard is the kind of person who writes crap updates status everytime, they make fuss write everything they could think of, where they are, what they're doing, who is involved, what happened to them, to their friends, to their pets, what they got, what they don't get, how they feel, etcetera.

Ex:

• "I'm at Starbucks drinking soy milk"
• "@KFC with the Colonel "
• "Burger King-ing" (yeah they could make every noun become a verb)
• "I saw a rainbow!!"
• "On Facebook"(seriously, I DO SEE THIS)

I ever saw a person update her status 7 times, all contains where she's at and who is with her, 7 of them are in same particular place! (I'm not lying, Facebook should've ban her for status spam)

And the Game-Updater. They keep on telling people they don't have a life posting every single progress of games they're playing:
Ex:

• "Frap Farter has reached lv 6 and become a Crippled Kungfu Gramps in Martial Arts Saga."
• "Frap Farter spent $10000 and obtained title Money Waster Harlot in Barbie World."
• "Frap Farter failed the level-up quest because he sucks in (put a word here) Wars."

To be honest, I did the same, but I don't do that so often. Okay if you want to tell people what game are you playing and show how good are you, but please stop posting every freaking little development of what you play, it's not cool and none of your normal friends would be amazed if you doing it too much!
 

Quoter

This one is not so annoying, but sometimes, you just can't let them being surrounded by fools-easy-to-be-amazed their friends who thought they make the status by their own, which is they don't. Usually it contains lovey-dovey material or philosophic words.
Ex:

• "When you are in love, you want to express your emotions eloquently. In our fast-paced life, we need our messages to be concise yet effective."http://quotations.about.com/od/shortquotes/The_Long_List_of_Short_Quotes.htm

• "I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." ~Elwyn Brooks White

Some people even could translate quotes into their own words (maybe to get rid of chance of quoting accusation) 


Ex:

• "Life is simple, but it's just not easy" ~Author Unknown

BECOMES

• "It's not easy even just to run a simple life"

or

• "Life is like a blanket too short. You pull it up and your toes rebel, you yank it down and shivers meander about your shoulder; but cheerful folks manage to draw their knees up and pass a very comfortable night" ~Marion Howard

BECOMES

• "Blanket that's too short is like our lives, if you pull it then it will make blah blah shaking blah, but people who blarg... can pull blarh blarty blargh.."

Some of them are song quoters too, they find a new song, they love the song and start quoting the most recognizable beautiful part of the lyrics, then write it like it's happening to their own life.

People who recognize it usually just stay silent, comment about the song or who sang it, or continue the lyrics; while people who never heard of it will start questioning about what happened to the Facebook Retard or even compare their lives depends on what the lyrics talk about. When this happens, come the most sucky part, even for the Facebook Retard.

Telling People That Their Status is a QUOTE

Then all fools-easy-to-be-amazed their friends will just say things like "Oh, I see" then walks away.

Crazy Salesmen

This type of Facebook Retard is the one that making super annoying spams posts status related to their job, selling stuffs, or what they do for living. They write offers, packages, products information, bonuses, discounts, cell number, and contact information, IN FACEBOOK! Ex:

• "New Grand Shitara, available in black, white, silver, rainbow, fluorescent dull gray, and poop-smear brown color. With 0.01% discount! Order before 29th February and you will get one set of paperclip and post-it note! contact information, Dick Wieners 0-809-YOU-GONNA-REGRET, Hurry! The stock is limited!"

Well, if they do that only like once or twice, it's okay, how if there's new offers like 4 times a week? You gonna barf soon bro, soon...


What should I do when I see these kinda status?


My advice is..... Silent.
Don't ever, ever try to comment on this status, moreover ask about the products, they'll fucking terrorized the shit outta ya', as soon as they got you phone number, there will be no end of this, even if you cancel the purchase or suddenly just not interested anymore and refuse the offer, they will still looking for you, you can't hide unless you miraculously change into somebody else and never ever contact these bloody demons people anymore.

The Tag-a-holic

As the title, they are people who make everyone's name appears in every of their photo loves tag their friends in some of their photos. Well if you're in the photo and you're tagged, it's not so much of trouble even if your face look like godforsaken chimpanzee , but how if they keep tagging you in photos that not even related to you? If you're patient enough, maybe it'll be your limit when you see an ass with your name on it.

• "Awesome Disneyland"

• "Pretzels I bought from Ace-Hardware" 

• "Guys, look! I just dumped shit shaped like baby koala!"

Someday you might find your names on such captions...

Some of these taggers maybe are Crazy Salesmen too, if they're selling outfits, they will add random person with suitable age to their products and choose ones look fashionable enough in their profile picture to be tagged. If you don't wanna deal with this kinda problem, you better wearing garbage bag on your profile picture.

Game, Event, Group Requester

The type of Facebook Retards who tend to annoy us by giving worthless request notifications are so friendly that they sends us invitation even they don't have any idea really know who are you. These people maybe just sent from hell want us to share the fun with them. But the problem is, they don't know when to stop!

Ex:

• "(put a name here) invited you to play FarmPhile."
• "Howdy friend! Come be my friend in Pest Society, where you can meet your friends and grow pests!"
•  "! H4t3 f@Ceb0oK R3taRd5 h4 h4 h4, would you like to join this group? 'yes/no' "

You find these guys, 99 request notifications in no time, I dare you! I just hope God will send His angels to karate-chop these guys someday they could realize what they're doing isn't right and that we'll never response the requests, then stop annoy us.

The Sick Admirer

They are bunch of retards who really like to follow a certain person, watching their every activity, what they do, check out the latest photos, comment and like every status updates, comment on their photos, even photos and statuses where the person they're following commented according what the comment says and keep stalking like sonofabitch.
 Ex:

• Cool! I totally agree with that statement *Tons of less than threes*
• You really have a cute beautiful lips, love it!!
• Hahaha, exactly (person they follow's name)! Even I don't know and don't freakin care who she is, but yes she looks stunning on that red dress!

I don't know, maybe they want to get acknowledged or befriend of the person they follow. Yes, we people like having person care to comment or like our status/photos/etc. But, if the one doing that is the person we know. We'll get perplexed if some guy recently add us suddenly talk like they know us for a long long time, and we can't do nothing about it, we reply by telling details or just say thanks, and they reply again, longer and deeper. 


How to deal with them??

SOFT WAY

• Ignore them
• say "Do I know you?"
• Block user/Report as spam

ROUGH WAY

• Remove from friendlist
• say "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"
• Tell your friends to add him/her and swarm his/her wall with spams 

Good Luck! :) 
  

Having Lots of Siblings

Yeah, in Facebook, you could make some guy's name appear in your Facebook page and make them feel stupid for accepting your request request some person in you friendlist to be one of you siblings, well if you don't know what that means, siblings means 'people who share at least one parent', not 'person in my friendlist who maybe accept my sibling request'.

• "They are my best friends, of course I consider them as my siblings!"

Yeah, maybe it's true, but only happens to you, I wonder if your mom see your sibling list and start thinking "I don't remember shit all these kids outta my womb?".

• "I just do it because I want people to see me having a lot of best friends."

Congratulations, you're one step closer being an douche.

• "I don't care, it looks great, why do you care?!"

Go to hell.

I'm not saying you can't have siblings in your Facebook page, you could do it, but please, make the limit, maybe you should try just make it around 10 and remove one when there comes another one worth being your sibling. I believe that normal Facebook user won't impressed seeing you having dozens of siblings. To us, they're "retarded dumbasses", to them, it's "common sense".